#one of my irl friends is really hyping it up which valid but i fear that a hyperfixation is ruminating in my brain

[jadetheblade4]

Future Me Part 2: How Was Robot Dreams Huh?

[heavyretro]

Things I’ve been wanting to say since 2021

Not sure how to begin, because I feel very silly writing this.

Is anyone becoming melancholy and nostalgic for social media before it made it’s change? Do you remember ending a livestream with friends, and saying “see you on the socials” ? It felt like communities were closer and more encouraging. I felt like I was constantly engaging with online friends from the time I woke up, to the time I went to sleep. Being in the burlesque and drag communities, social media presence was so important for a number of reasons I won’t get into here. However, I will say that social media was a great looking glass in which to keep up with the drag/burly communities from all over the world. You always knew what your communities were getting up to, you could hype them up, send them tips through cash apps, share their performance videos, etc. And yeah, you can still do that now, but with algorithm changes, it’s harder. I never see anyone in my timelines that I used to frequently see before the change. Anyone I knew from before I left for the UK, I do not hear from them now. To be quite frank, moving to another country in the middle of a global pandemic has been the loneliest thing, ever.

To preface, social media used to be such an invaluable tool for neurodivergent people and people with C-PTSD, PTSD, etc. Personally, I have trust issues because of my past with turbulent people with turbulent emotions, creating severe situations. Having a barrier between myself and others was a blessing. I could make friends upon friends, no matter where they were, and I felt safe. Because of how social media was set up back then, I made friends with minimal effort, and was able to maintain them for years. By “minimal” I mean, for someone with social anxiety, online engagement with communities was a breeze in comparison to IRL socializing. This generated confidence in my personal life, but that’s besides the point. Now, you have to be an entertainer no matter what industry you’re involved in. Let’s not even talk about how awful that is for people with anxiety. It’s one thing to be a performer for a live audience, but for an app? It’s a different feeling.

The above pictures are before the algorithm changes, and then after. I know working hard as an artist is a thing, and while I am on the fence about arguments regarding “the struggling artist” [ I really don’t think we should struggle ], this is completely different. I was already a booked artist and performer, and for the year of 2020, I had a show and modeling gig every month for the entirely of that year until the pandemic shut it all down. I had community and networks, and always strived to be a good friend and reliable person in general. Fighting for your art is one thing, but I will not fight AI to simply be able to be placed in an algorithm. These platforms do not pay me to work, and therefore I see no reason to constantly push myself to remain in some phantasmal ranking order. Effectively, these changes have cost me being “relevant” in social circles and networks. I do not want to make trendy videos with trending sounds for socials. I want to be ME as a complete artist, sharing my art, for free, by the way. I don’t want to share info graphics to generate engagement. I don’t want to dance on Tik Tok. I don’t want to be the center of attention, and gain 10K followers. I just want friends and community.

Recently, I enrolled in school in which I am pursing yet another [ but very much older ] dream of mine. I befriended one person in this school, and she revealed to me she doesn’t have social media, and it’s made her life easier. At first, fear struck me for her: no socials? How does one socialize? Is life valid offline? But then I thought again: it must be the most liberating thing, ever. She went off to Greece recently, I was like- how will she memorialize her trip to Greece without socials? And then again, I realized how silly I was being. I don’t often remember online engagement as much as I remember going to metal shows, drinking wine with my best friends, and hanging out with the bands afterwards. I remember making music with my band-mate in his studio with the small Hecate statue watching over us. I remember us doing breath work, putting whiskey in our coffee, and singing about loss. I remember going to MAGFest and playing retro video games in cosplay for 3 days straight. I remember doing LIVE shows, almost puking every time, and getting on stage and hearing everyone cheer.

I want nothing more than to leave social media entirely. It’s not a place for me, anymore. My place now is with my research, my books, and the wisdom found in that. What everyone doesn’t realize about my situation is that everyone reading this will know me as Polaris first, and my real name second. You have all met me as Polaris. My best friends I speak to regularly, my husband, new social groups I’ve stumbled into- we started our friendships and relationships this way. Therefore, it is hard to let go. I was the quiet and bullied kid my entire life. I have been ab*sed, I have been ignored, and I have been greatly disrespected in my life before entering my drag/burlesque life as Polaris. Suddenly, people wanted to get to know me. They wanted to share in my eccentricity by proximity- [ granted, sometimes attempting to take it for their own. ] Burlesque performers perform under different names for safety from stalkers and harm from people, communities, and businesses. I have seen performers get fired from their jobs because of this work. That it why it is SO crucial to call performers by their performer names, and not their real ones when they are working. That didn’t happen for me. I was Polaris no matter what- not by choice. I guess, this part is a story for another day.

I guess I am saying all of this to finally just get it out there: where are my friends? Where did my community go? I absolutely want to hold space for new friends, and I love you all so, so, so much. Some of you have been so supportive of me- more than most people, and I am forever grateful. However, it doesn’t shake this feeling off. This feeling like I’ve been forgotten about. Every day that goes by, I get ready to leave Polaris behind me all together. I will not spend more energy [ or apparently dollars ? ] just to show up in feeds. That is the whole point of social media - effortless community and engagement, while sharing information and support. I’m not paying for that, when I could just find that in real life. My point is, I am coming to the end of the rope with all of this.

Aren’t you all tired of creating videos before you go out, before you eat, before you get ready, after you get ready, when you wake up, at 5 AM, at 6PM? And then archiving them, and sharing them on your socials when you can just… put on a vinyl and share your time and energy with yourself? Clearly, I am not made for this new way of socializing.

Anyway, I hope the ratio of those numbers in the pictures made you laugh. It made me laugh.

[cinniharpy]

It’s 2AM. Almost. Come along and listen to old lady Amanda go on about some random shit. Maybe you too can offer your thoughts.

Tonight’s topic: introverts and extroverts. More specifically, why I classify myself as an extrovert while most would call me an introvert.

I am PAINFULLY, awkwardly shy irl. At least, if you haven’t reached friendship level 175 with me. And if you have reached that level, let me just say, I am sorry. You get the full Amanda in all her farty glory.

But if you aren’t at that level, you’re gonna see zero personality Amanda. Which is like… I dunno, all that’s coming to mind right now is Normal SpongeBob from that one episode. So. Like that. Only quieter and avoids eye contact and does the least amount of interaction possible. If you’d met her and were told you immediately had to place her within the binary of introvert/extrovert, you’d say introvert with no hesitation.

And YET.

When I was in college, I went to one of the counselors they had on campus on a whim. I was having a lot of social anxiety and decided to see if this would help at all. I don’t remember exactly how the topic came up or even most of what was said anymore, but the counselor brought up the definition of introvert/extrovert in a way I hadn’t heard it described before. She said that introverts are drained by social interaction and must recoup by being solitary, while extroverts are drained by being solitary and get energy from social interaction.

I weighed this against what I knew of myself. I thought of how I’d organize events on Facebook for trips to the movies and such. How I thrived off living in a dorm where there was always, always people around. How I desperately wanted to connect with more people, I just couldn’t get over my fears enough to do it.

I told her that with that definition in mind, I was clearly an extrovert. I must have frowned or something, because she asked me why I looked disappointed with that. It wasn’t so much that I was disappointed, but I suddenly had to redefine the way I thought of myself. But the most surprising thing about it was that this felt like it made more sense.

And whaddya know, my roommates were in a psychology class not long after, bringing home stuff from class, and I took that Myers-Briggs thing for the first time. And every time I’ve taken it I get an E. Usually ENFP.

So it was like, cool. Information I guess. As long as you believe the whole introvert/extrovert and Myers-Briggs things are valid. Which I know is debatable for some.

But I still don’t know if I know what to do with that information or if it even matters. Because, even with learning that and coming to think of myself as an extrovert I didn’t change in the ways I wanted. If anything, as time went on and I left college, I became more withdrawn.

Which was frustrating. I still think of myself as an extrovert. I could never live alone, as I’d definitely become too depressed. I like having people around, even if I’m not interacting with them. Just having other people in the same house makes me feel more secure, I work better, and overall I’m happier. I get very hype from hanging out with people and interacting with people outside the norm. Like, my roommates and I will go hang out with some other friends for a while and I’ll be so jazzed that I’ll have trouble sleeping.

But I never accomplished my goal. Which was to basically merge the two versions of me that there seemed to be: The quiet, shy, zero personality Amanda, and the other Amanda who was more of a stereotypical extrovert around those who’d achieved the required friendship level.

Because I like level 175 Amanda better; most people seem to. She feels more like “the real me.” I mean, to be honest, you guys here get a better glimpse of her than a lot of people I talk to irl. It’s easier online. But that social anxiety… And, well, just anxiety in general. It’s impossible sometimes.

Sometimes it feels like level 175 Amanda is underneath the surface of zero personality Amanda and she’s banging on the walls begging to come out. But zero personality is a tough shell to crack. And the doubts that hold that shell together are a glue I’ve yet to be able to dissolve. I hate zero personality and yet she’s my shield against the world.

And honestly? One of the worst things about that struggle is when I do meet people who know me from my online presence at conventions. Because internally I’m so excited and happy that they’d come find me and I want to talk to them and be friendly… but I worry I come off as cold. Because inside me I’m wrestling with what I always deal with in talking to people: I want so desperately to make a connection, but I don’t know how.

And that’s why my shyness is painful. Anxiety has settled in my chest like a parasite and it feels like its claws are too deep in to remove. So I’m left with this feeling of “I like the people, I just don’t know how to be a people.” And emotionally, it hurts. It’s a gap I can’t bridge and a distance that’s always kept. It can feel like a literal barrier between me and other people.

So it’s easy to understand why other people would classify me as an introvert. But I still think of myself as an extrovert. Maybe I’m not a stereotypical one externally. But what you’re not seeing is level 175 hidden away yelling BUILT THIS CITY at the top of her lungs.

Or, you know, maybe it’s all just bullshit anyway and none of us are really either an extrovert or introvert, but hey! If classifying ourselves makes it all easier to understand then maybe the bullshit is ok.

It’s now nearly 3AM. Meaning the time for over analyzing ourselves is over and we must mindlessly scroll through Tumblr till falling asleep.

Y'all today’s question of the middle night is: do you feel like you fit perfectly into either extrovert or introvert?